Wholesome Family Recreational Activities

What is wholesome family recreation? How can we spend quality time with our families to build lasting relationships? The Family: The Proclamation to the World states, "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." 

"Wholesome family recreation can help us strengthen our relationships and reduce negative emotional and spiritual consequences" (Widmer & Taniguchi). 

My husband and I love to watch movies. We watch a lot of  them together. This is a form of recreation that we enjoy, but we must be careful to watch movies that are wholesome and uplifting. We should also expand our recreation to more than just watching movies together. Wholesome recreation involves interaction so that it boosts emotional moral between the couple. Something we love to do together as a wholesome recreational activity is we love to go out for ice cream and also take walks together. This gives us time together to reflect on the day, to talk with one another, to bond, and it's a great form of exercise.

While we want our children to feel that they are having fun by doing wholesome recreational activities together, I do want to caution parents that there can be too many activities for children to do. "Family experts have warned against what they call 'the overscheduling of children' (Anderson & Doherty, 2005)....Among many measures of this disturbing trend are the reports that structured sports time has doubled, but children's free time has declined by 12 hours per week and unstructured outdoor activities have fallen by 50 percent. The number of those who reported their 'whole family usually eats dinner together' has declined 33 perecnt...There is inspired wisdom in this advice to parents: what your children really want for dinner is you" (Widmer & Taniguchi). 

Too many children in today's society stay indoors and play video games or watch TV all day long. Not only is this unhealthy, but it is detrimental to the relationship of the family. Bonds are not made when there is a lack of interaction. This can also be harmful to one's spirit because they may feel lazy or have escaped into a digital world. Elder Bednar said, "I raise an apostolic voice of warning about the potentially stifling, suffocating, suppressing, and constraining impact of some kinds of cyberspace interactions and experiences upon our souls" ("Things as They Really Are,"2010). 

Here are 5 ways that we can encourage wholesome family recreation:

1. Have family meals together

2. Hold weekly Family Home Evening (family night)

3. Pray daily together as a family (both morning & night)

4. Study the scriptures together daily

5. Find ways to serve others together as a family

Here are 5 wholesome recreational activities you can do as a family:

1. Take a walk, hike, bike ride, or car ride together

2. Do family history work together

3. Have a family game night

4. Visit a museum together

5. Have a picnic together

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Wholesome Family Recreation: Building Strong Families. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (225-234). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Let's Put the Family to Work

I will be honest...I do not always like to work. I do not enjoy cleaning the house, I do not enjoy doing homework, I do not enjoy running errands. However, I know that I need to learn to enjoy doing at least some of these things because there is great value in work. I plan on teaching my future children this as well. With that being said, do your children groan about doing chores? Do you groan when you have to clean the house? It's time to "put your shoulder to the wheel...[and] do your duty with a heart full of song," ("Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel," LDS Hymn 252). Did you know that "housework is a...major source of contention between the sexes," (Hawkins, 213)? Let's put the family to work and create a home of peace and instill a sense of work ethic in the family.

We know from The Family: A Proclamation to the World that "successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of ...work."

Parents do not need a perfect system for doing chores. It can be chaotic and discouraging when children complain or quarrel with one another. Focus on the value of the work and not completing the work perfectly. If we focus on perfection then the work seems endless.

1. Parents should seek an approach based on "attentive love." This means that we discipline children when they do not do their chores and we reward them when they do.

2. All family members are vital to family work. Children can learn to take responsibility for family work and mothers set the household tone for family work. 

3. Family work becomes a joyful blessing when not seen as a burden. We must be happy when we are working so that the children can see that work can be fun.

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Meanings and Blessings of Family Work. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (213-223). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

As we teach our children the value of work and the importance of work in the family, our families will grow and prosper. We will be organized, unified, and happy. 

We will "organize [ourselves]; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God." ~D&C 88:119

Forgiving Family

What does it mean to forgive? The definition on LDS.org is as follows: As used in the scriptures, to forgive generally means one of two things: (1) When God forgives men, he cancels or sets aside a required punishment for sin. Through the atonement of Christ, forgiveness of sins is available to all who repent, except those guilty of murder or the unpardonable sin against the Holy Ghost. (2) As people forgive each other, they treat one another with Christlike love and have no bad feelings toward those who have offended them (Matt. 5:43–45; 6:12–15; Luke 17:3–4; 1 Ne. 7:19–21).

Here are 10 necessary steps for forgiveness that include repentance:
1. Recognize the sin/offense
2. Feel sorrow for the sin/offense
3. Forsake the sin/disclose
4. Confess/Avoid the offending behavior
5. Make restitution (make wrongs right)
6. Recall the hurt
7. Empathize
8. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness
9. Commit publicly to forgive
10. Hold on to forgiveness

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (205-210). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

I am reminded of the simple Children's Primary song:

1. ♫♫ Help me, dear Father, to freely forgive
   All who may seem unkind to me.
2. Help me, dear Father, to truly repent,
   Making things right, and changing my ways.
3. Help me each day, Father, I pray;
   Help me live nearer, nearer to thee. ♫♫
4. 
   
   
5. "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of ... repentance [and] forgiveness." 
6. ~The Family: A Proclamation to the World

I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that we can repent, forgive, and be forgiven of our sins because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that made it possible for us. As we forgive others, our family members, and ourselves, we will be able to feel the Spirit of the Lord working to strengthen our families. 

Please enjoy this heart-warming video about this man and his incredible example of forgiveness. Warning: box of tissues will be needed.

4 Things to Pray for in Marriage

"Prayer is the means by which individuals may invite God to play an active role in their relationship."

--Nathan M. Lambert

My husband is often away for medical school rotations. I miss him dearly and he misses me. I pray for him and he prays for me on a daily basis. We also pray together. We ask Heavenly Father to bless us with safety, with knowledge, with comfort, and with happiness. We thank one another and our Heavenly Father for the blessings we have and for the love that we share. I always look forward to praying with my husband. 

Husband and wife should pray together to include God in their marriage. They can focus their prayers on these 4 things to strengthen their marriage:

1. Pray for sanctification of marriage

2. Pray to restore cooperative goals

3. Pray for de-escalation during conflict

4. Pray for forgiveness

I know that prayer strengthens and heals marriages. As we turn to the Lord, there is nothing that we cannot fix or strengthen with His help. If both spouses are humble and willing to have a change of heart, husband and wife can restore their goals, resolve conflict, find sanctity in their marriage and find forgiveness. 

"May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of you bed. One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can't pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another." 

--President Thomas S. Monson, 2001

"If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony."

--Elder Dallin H. Oaks, 2007

"Good communication is also enhanced by prayer. To pray with specific mention of a spouse's good deed (or need) nurtures a marriage."

--Elder Russell M. Nelson, 2006

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Sanctification and Cooperation: How Prayer Helps Strengthen Relationships in Good Times and Heal Relationships in Bad Times. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (196-199). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Finding Faith in Family

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith and prayer..."

--The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

I love going to church. I have been a church-goer all my life, and I will never stop attending. My faith is so important to me because it has influenced the person that I am today. I know that I am blessed when I go to church, pray, and read the scriptures. My family is also blessed immensely because of this because it brings the Spirit into our home and brings us closer together.

In today's society marriages and families are falling apart. The world is losing faith in family life. There are ways that we can strengthen our families by having faith in our lives, and this will increase our faith in our families. 

10 ways that we can increase faith in family life
1. Religious community and marital fidelity
2. Religious community and avoidance of pornography, violence, and conflict.
3. Religious community and the importance of being "equally yoked"
4. Religious community and mothering
5. Religious community and fathering
6. Religious practice of prayer in marriage
7. Religious practice of family rituals
8. Religious practices and the parent-child bond
9. Religious beliefs and parenting
10. Religious beliefs and marriage.
*Definition of "religious community": "support, involvement, and relationships grounded in a congregation or less formal religious group" (Dollahite, Marks, & Goodman, 2004, p. 143). 

I love the principle of praying together as a family. "Praying together as a family and reading the scriptures...together is probably the best [thing we do to pull us toward Heavenly Father and each other]....It feels right. It feels good....I'm grateful to...be able to do that."

--Shana, Latter-day Saint mother

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Faith in Family Life. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (186-192). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

In my personal experience, praying and having faith in Jesus Christ and in the family has brought me closer to my Father in Heaven and to my spouse and family. We are happier and are more unified. 

Watch this to learn more about faith, prayer, and family:

What are some experiences your families have had with prayer and having faith as a family?

To the Fathers

The 5 Principles of Fathering:

1. To Preside

2. To Partner

3. To Be Present

4. To Provide

5. To Protect

There are 3 ways to Preside:
1. Fathers are directed to take upon themselves the responsibility of spiritual leadership in the family life as part of a loving Eternal Father's plan for family functioning.
2. A father's responsibility to preside occupies the first and foremost duty among the varied obligations that rest upon men in family life.
3. The manner in which a father is to exercise spiritual guidance among family members explicitly articulate: "in love and righteousness" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

Define Presence:
"From our understanding, to be present in fathering is to act on the obligation to be there for one's children with your physical presence and availability, mental awareness and engagement, and practical involvement in their lives and activities....In essence, it involves a continuing moral commitment to be present for the work of meeting needs and providing care in a lifelong relationship with a child." --Sean E. Brotherson

3 Ways to be Present:
1. Be there physically
2. Be aware psychologically
3. Give care practically

To Provide also means to give Stewardship:
"Stewardship work involves creative, dedicated effort to provide resources for children and family and provide opportunities for children to develop and learn to care for their own and others' physical and psychological needs." --Dollahite, Hawkins, and Brotherson

To Protect:
"[Fathers can] actively protect their children by helping them to make wise choices about the literature they read, the movies they see, the television programs they watch, the Internet sites they visit, and the friendships they establish."--Hawkins and Brotherson

My Father:
My own father has been a wonderful example to me and has always presided over our family with love and care. He is a partner to my beautiful mother. He is present in our home. He provides for the family as an artist by profession. He protects our family and administers Priesthood blessings to us. I love my dad!

In conclusion:
"As fathers practice these essential principles in their lives and relationships, they fulfill their own potential and guide the rising generation toward achieving the divine potential that resides in each of us as 'a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents' (The Family: A Proclamation the the World)."--Brotherson

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). "Honor Thy Father". Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (141-148). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

To the Mothers

My mother is strong, beautiful, smart, sweet, a great cook, and has a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She is a true example to me of a faithful woman. My mother is one of my very best friends. I love her so much. I could go on and on about the importance of mothers and how wonderful my own mother is. Instead I will let you hear about how wonderful mothers are from the prophets and apostles and leaders of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ:

The Divinity of Mothers

"May each of us treasure this truth: ...One cannot remember mother and forget God. Why? Because these two sacred persons, God and mother, partners in creation, in love, in sacrifice, in service, are as one."
--President Thomas S. Monson

The Sanctity of Mothers

"Satan has unleashed a seductive campaign to undermine the sanctity of womanhood, to deceive the daughters of God and divert them from their divine destiny. He well knows women are the compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving power that binds together the human family....He has convinced many of the lie that they are third-class citizens in the kingdom of God. That falsehood has led some to trade their divinely given femininity for male coarseness."
--Elder Richard G. Scott

The Sacrifice of Mothers

"Just as a mother's body may be permanently marked with the signs of pregnancy and childbirth, [the Savior] said, 'I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands' (1 Nephi 21:15-16). For both a mother and the Savior, those marks memorialize a wrenching sacrifice--the sacrifice of begetting life--for her, physical birth; for him, spiritual rebirth."
--Elder Bruce C. Hafen and Sister Marie K. Hafen

The Personal Growth of Mothers

"The world would state that a woman is in a form of servitude that does not allow her to develop her gifts and talents. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could be further from the truth. Do not let the world define, denigrate, or limit your feelings of lifelong learning, and the values of motherhood in the home. Motherhood is the ideal opportunity for lifelong learning. A mother's learning grows as she nurtures the child in his or development years. They are both learning and maturing together at a remarkable pace. It's exponential, not linear...In the process of rearing her children, a mother studies such topics as child development; nutrition; health care; physiology, psychology, nursing, with medical research and care; and educational tutoring in many diverse fields such as math, science geography, literature, English, and foreign languages. She develops gifts such as music, athletics, dance and public speaking. The learning examples could continue endlessly."
--Elder Robert D. Hales 

The Influence of Mothers

"Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life.The mother's image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child's mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world."
--President David O. McKay

The Goals of Effective Mothering

1. Preserving life.
2. Nurturing growth and development.

The Way To Mother

"There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family....What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."
--Elder M. Russell Ballard

Husbands & Motherhood

"The greatest work of any man is 'the endowment of motherhood' (Carver, 1913, p. 293). As a husband 'endows' his wife with motherhood, he does all that he can to enable her work as a mother to flourish, because she is the central nurturer of their greatest treasure."
--Jenet J. Erickson

The Definition of Motherhood

"Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve 'the mother of all living'--and they did so before she ever bore a child....Motherhood is more than bearing children....It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."
--Sister Sheri Dew

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Mothers as Nurturers. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (131-137). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

The 3 Elements: Love, Limits, & Latitude

Every child deserves to be loved. Every child deserves to have limits. What is latitude? Latitude in parenting means to give children autonomy, or giving them choices to make their own decisions in various areas. First let's talk about what every child needs:

*Love, warmth, and support
*Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
*Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
*Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
*Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
*Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting gilt
*Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes

I know that when I have my own children I will love them with all of my heart. I will want to smother them with kisses and tell them how much I love them. I know it will be hard to let them make their own choices, especially when I know the consequences of those choices, but I will do this for them because they need autonomy. I am so excited to be a parent one day. The more I study about love, limits, and latitude, the more I know I will want to give that to each of my children.

The three characters of Authoritative Parenting are Love, Limits, and Latitude. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Every child is entitled to grow up in a home where there is warm and secure companionship, where there is love in the family relationship, where appreciation one for another is taught and exemplified, and where God is acknowledged and His peace and blessings invoked before the family altar." 

Love: connection

Limits: regulation

Latitude: autonomy

Another thought on establishing limits--Remember:
-All children need rules and limits
-Be firm, but be fair
-It is important to monitor your children: Where is my child? Who is my child with? What is my child doing?
-Discuss the rules with your child and make rules with your child
-Relax the limits as your child matures (appropriate of age)

Source: Steinberg, L. D. (2004). Establish Rules and Set Limits. The ten basic principles of good parenting (87). New York: Simon & Schuster.

Elder M. Russell Ballard said:
"Helping children learn how to make decisions requires that parents give them a measure of autonomy, dependent on the age and maturity of the child and the situation at hand. Parents need to give children choices and should be prepare to appropriately adjust some rules, thus preparing children for real-world situations." 

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (105-112). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

In what ways do you show love to your children?

4 Ways to Achieve Equal Partnership in Marriage

My husband and I have many different opinions when it comes to some things in our marriage, but we agreed from the beginning that we would support one another in our roles as husband and wife, and mother and father. Together we come up with ways to strengthen our family. We may not agree on everything, but we compromise with one another. I know that my husband will support me and come to me in our marriage. He is a true partner. 

Let us be equal to our spouse in marriage. Because men and women are so different, it can be challenging to feel that you are equal to your spouse. God sees you as equals and wants you to become one in marriage. Here are my favorite quotes regarding equal partnership between men and women in marriage:

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."--The Family: A Proclamation to the World

"Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to 'rule over' Eve, but this doesn't make Adam a dictator...Over in 'rule over' uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over.... The concept of interdependent, equal partners is well-grounded in the doctrine of the restored gospel. Eve was Adam's 'help meet' (Genesis 2:18). The original Hebrew for meet means that Eve was adequate for, or equal to, Adam. She wasn't his servant or his subordinate."--Elder Bruce C. Hafen

"It must needs be that there be an organization of my people...that you maybe equal in the bonds of heavenly things, yea, and earthly things also" --D&C 78:3, 50
This helps us realize that equality is a commandmen--Hudson and Miller

"Indeed, given that we believe Adam and Eve lived this law, a marriage reflecting the equality of the spouses is the ultimate traditional marriage."--Hudson and Miller

"In the home [authority] is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together."--President Boyd K. Packer

"[Parents] are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward."--Elder L. Tom Perry

"There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not [the husband's] equal obligation."--President Boyd K. Packer

"There must be room enough in a marriage for the dreams of both the husband and the wife and sweet encouragement from each to the other follow those dreams." --Hudson and Miller

"Societal attitudes about the power structure of marriage have continued to change over time, and today the majority of men and women in Western cultures believe that marriages should be characterized as a partnership, with both spouses having equal influence in the relationship (Thornton & Young-Demarco, 2001).--Hudson and Miller

Benefits of Equal Partnership
-happier relationships
-better individual well-being
-more effective parenting practices
-better-functioning children
-more satisfied & better overall marital quality
-more positive interaction in the relationship
-less likely to experience verbal aggression and physical violence
-more satisfied with the quality of the physical intimacy in their relationship
-personal well-being of spouses
-better parents

How to Achieve Equal Partnership in Marriage

1. Marry your equal-share the same beliefs

2. Establish the roles in equal partnership-be aware, reasonable, and clear of what you expect

3. Help with complimentary responsibilities

4. Do your best-patience is vital

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Equal Partnership Between Men and Women in Families. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (40-48). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

5 Ways to Nurture Love & Friendship in Your Marriage

Why did you marry your spouse? Was it love at first sight? Did you think the two of you would live happily ever after and ride off into the sunset? I can tell you that when I first met my husband, Mr. Chapman, I was only interested in him as a friend. We became best friends very rapidly and the next thing we knew, we were planning our temple marriage, honeymoon, and our eternal life together. After 3 years of marriage, we have discovered that the key to staying in love comes from what brought us together in the first place: friendship.

Here are 5 ways that you can nurture love and friendship in your marriage:

1. Respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support. 

We as human beings crave this. 

Show your love & support by giving your spouse a hug or words of affirmation.

2. Make an effort to do everyday activities together.

My husband and I enjoy taking short walks every day and getting ready for bed together.

3. Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day. This involves reuniting at the end of a busy day to see how things went, and listening to and validating one another. 

Tip: Do not do this when it is late and both of you are exhausted. Tensions rise & arguments may occur. Think stress-reducing = go on a short walk, take a bath together, etc.

4. Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation. 

Leave a love note on the mirror, give your spouse a back scratch/rub, say "I love you" every day.

5. Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary. 

Come together in couple counsel every week and recognize the things that work and don't work.

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (31). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

"Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse." --John M. Gottman, PH.D 

Source: Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages. The seven principles for making marriage work (20). New York: Crown Publishers.

As you work on ways to have a strong friendship together, your love for one another will increase significantly. Why do you think that so many people loved Jesus of Nazareth? He was a friend to everyone. He is the perfect example of friendship and love. 

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." -John 13:34-35

If we all take on Christ-like attitudes toward our spouse, then we will have happy, successful marriages. 

Enjoy this happy video of couples of all ages sharing how they express love to one another!