The 3 Elements: Love, Limits, & Latitude

Every child deserves to be loved. Every child deserves to have limits. What is latitude? Latitude in parenting means to give children autonomy, or giving them choices to make their own decisions in various areas. First let's talk about what every child needs:

*Love, warmth, and support
*Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
*Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
*Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
*Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
*Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting gilt
*Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes

I know that when I have my own children I will love them with all of my heart. I will want to smother them with kisses and tell them how much I love them. I know it will be hard to let them make their own choices, especially when I know the consequences of those choices, but I will do this for them because they need autonomy. I am so excited to be a parent one day. The more I study about love, limits, and latitude, the more I know I will want to give that to each of my children.

The three characters of Authoritative Parenting are Love, Limits, and Latitude. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "Every child is entitled to grow up in a home where there is warm and secure companionship, where there is love in the family relationship, where appreciation one for another is taught and exemplified, and where God is acknowledged and His peace and blessings invoked before the family altar." 

Love: connection

Limits: regulation

Latitude: autonomy

Another thought on establishing limits--Remember:
-All children need rules and limits
-Be firm, but be fair
-It is important to monitor your children: Where is my child? Who is my child with? What is my child doing?
-Discuss the rules with your child and make rules with your child
-Relax the limits as your child matures (appropriate of age)

Source: Steinberg, L. D. (2004). Establish Rules and Set Limits. The ten basic principles of good parenting (87). New York: Simon & Schuster.

Elder M. Russell Ballard said:
"Helping children learn how to make decisions requires that parents give them a measure of autonomy, dependent on the age and maturity of the child and the situation at hand. Parents need to give children choices and should be prepare to appropriately adjust some rules, thus preparing children for real-world situations." 

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (105-112). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

In what ways do you show love to your children?

4 Ways to Achieve Equal Partnership in Marriage

My husband and I have many different opinions when it comes to some things in our marriage, but we agreed from the beginning that we would support one another in our roles as husband and wife, and mother and father. Together we come up with ways to strengthen our family. We may not agree on everything, but we compromise with one another. I know that my husband will support me and come to me in our marriage. He is a true partner. 

Let us be equal to our spouse in marriage. Because men and women are so different, it can be challenging to feel that you are equal to your spouse. God sees you as equals and wants you to become one in marriage. Here are my favorite quotes regarding equal partnership between men and women in marriage:

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."--The Family: A Proclamation to the World

"Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to 'rule over' Eve, but this doesn't make Adam a dictator...Over in 'rule over' uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over.... The concept of interdependent, equal partners is well-grounded in the doctrine of the restored gospel. Eve was Adam's 'help meet' (Genesis 2:18). The original Hebrew for meet means that Eve was adequate for, or equal to, Adam. She wasn't his servant or his subordinate."--Elder Bruce C. Hafen

"It must needs be that there be an organization of my people...that you maybe equal in the bonds of heavenly things, yea, and earthly things also" --D&C 78:3, 50
This helps us realize that equality is a commandmen--Hudson and Miller

"Indeed, given that we believe Adam and Eve lived this law, a marriage reflecting the equality of the spouses is the ultimate traditional marriage."--Hudson and Miller

"In the home [authority] is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together."--President Boyd K. Packer

"[Parents] are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward."--Elder L. Tom Perry

"There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not [the husband's] equal obligation."--President Boyd K. Packer

"There must be room enough in a marriage for the dreams of both the husband and the wife and sweet encouragement from each to the other follow those dreams." --Hudson and Miller

"Societal attitudes about the power structure of marriage have continued to change over time, and today the majority of men and women in Western cultures believe that marriages should be characterized as a partnership, with both spouses having equal influence in the relationship (Thornton & Young-Demarco, 2001).--Hudson and Miller

Benefits of Equal Partnership
-happier relationships
-better individual well-being
-more effective parenting practices
-better-functioning children
-more satisfied & better overall marital quality
-more positive interaction in the relationship
-less likely to experience verbal aggression and physical violence
-more satisfied with the quality of the physical intimacy in their relationship
-personal well-being of spouses
-better parents

How to Achieve Equal Partnership in Marriage

1. Marry your equal-share the same beliefs

2. Establish the roles in equal partnership-be aware, reasonable, and clear of what you expect

3. Help with complimentary responsibilities

4. Do your best-patience is vital

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Equal Partnership Between Men and Women in Families. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (40-48). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

5 Ways to Nurture Love & Friendship in Your Marriage

Why did you marry your spouse? Was it love at first sight? Did you think the two of you would live happily ever after and ride off into the sunset? I can tell you that when I first met my husband, Mr. Chapman, I was only interested in him as a friend. We became best friends very rapidly and the next thing we knew, we were planning our temple marriage, honeymoon, and our eternal life together. After 3 years of marriage, we have discovered that the key to staying in love comes from what brought us together in the first place: friendship.

Here are 5 ways that you can nurture love and friendship in your marriage:

1. Respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support. 

We as human beings crave this. 

Show your love & support by giving your spouse a hug or words of affirmation.

2. Make an effort to do everyday activities together.

My husband and I enjoy taking short walks every day and getting ready for bed together.

3. Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day. This involves reuniting at the end of a busy day to see how things went, and listening to and validating one another. 

Tip: Do not do this when it is late and both of you are exhausted. Tensions rise & arguments may occur. Think stress-reducing = go on a short walk, take a bath together, etc.

4. Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation. 

Leave a love note on the mirror, give your spouse a back scratch/rub, say "I love you" every day.

5. Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary. 

Come together in couple counsel every week and recognize the things that work and don't work.

Source: Hawkins, A. J. (20122012). Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage. Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives (31). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

"Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse." --John M. Gottman, PH.D 

Source: Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages. The seven principles for making marriage work (20). New York: Crown Publishers.

As you work on ways to have a strong friendship together, your love for one another will increase significantly. Why do you think that so many people loved Jesus of Nazareth? He was a friend to everyone. He is the perfect example of friendship and love. 

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." -John 13:34-35

If we all take on Christ-like attitudes toward our spouse, then we will have happy, successful marriages. 

Enjoy this happy video of couples of all ages sharing how they express love to one another!